Life of Rachael

c-cassandra:

my hair and i have a very complicated relationship </3

Diary Entry “7/16/14 11:28pm”

Moving things from friends to romance is not easy. I haven’t the slightest clue how it is done. Also, because everyone creates meaning differently, it is difficult to tell what indicates a friendship and what indicates romantic interest. Maybe one person thinks hanging out a bunch, talking a lot, holding long eye contact, hugging a lot, and paying for the other person are all friendly acts. Another may interpret them to mean the person is romantically interested in them. When romantic feelings are felt by either person, relationships become confusing.

Aside from all the confusion and more, flirting is hard. How does one flirt? And how do you know if someone is flirting with you or not? If you are not going to flat out say how you feel, go on a date, or make a move, how can a friendship develop into a relationship? I cannot figure out a good answer to that.

Specifically, I myself have never been good at fostering romantic relationships. I wish I could remember how any of them almost started. I have no clue how feelings came out and were shared between myself and another girl. There is no replay button. There is no way for me to take those experiences and bring them into the present. Yet if nothing is done…if neither persons takes a risk…nothing will progress further than a friendship.

When you are me, you have no idea which risk to take. Should it be a move, asking a girl on a date, flirting, or telling her my feelings? Stating my feelings has not ever ended well and I’d like to avoid doing that. It’s a bad plan based on my previous experiences. Yet, how does one flirt or make a move? All this is part of the reason why I have been stuck as a friend to almost everyone I have ever been interested in. I don’t have any romantic skills. Fast forward into a relationship and I will take her to dinner and everything…getting into a relationship in the first place is the hard part.

I cannot handle the feeling that someone I’m interested in might actually be interested in me. I don’t believe it and I’m scared of it. I’m scared of being wrong and facing another rejection. I’m scared of getting close to her. I’m scared of even trying to find an answer about whether or not this could be more than friends. As much as I want a girlfriend (who cannot be just anybody), I am absolutely terrified that this could possibly go somewhere. I’m even more terrified of being wrong…being rejected. I’ve learned to expect rejection and I don’t deal with it well when it happens.

Quote from diary entry “7/11 11:46pm” (possibly triggering)

"For once I’d like to be interested in someone without being terrified of my feelings. I cannot handle rejection or disappointment. My self esteem isn’t high enough to expect anything different. Long ago I stopped believing people could like me as more than a friend. I even began questioning whether or not people really were my friends. I still do these things. I honestly wonder who would want to be friends or more with someone who struggles with depression, bipolar, and low self esteem."

I cannot handle how cool this is.

dakotaaaa:

Poussey and Taystee, from Orange is the New Black. Their friendship is my favorite!!! And the actress who plays Poussey is like the most attractive person I’ve ever seen.

dakotaaaa:

Poussey and Taystee, from Orange is the New Black. Their friendship is my favorite!!! And the actress who plays Poussey is like the most attractive person I’ve ever seen.